Holly

2014
06.04

It was a lovely sunny day me and zoe was chilling in the pool then my brother came running out into the garden and bombed into the pool when be and zoe were dried and changed we went into going down to we the gateway found a black splodge of paint. When we arrived in town it was really cold me and my friend (zoe) got our coat out our bags and carried on walking on the way to my house we saw a crooked house with a black gateway as we trembled in the old house we saw a little girl crying she was a ghost all she wants is her dolly back and she died when she was playing With her dolly she accidentally played on the road she was having to much fun to realise then a car came. She told us “every night her doll would sit on the wardrobe then disapear her name was Emily we stayed there the night and NEVER CAME OUT! ……

2 Responses to “Holly”

  1. Star: we’ll done for using bold writing then a elipese after that for impact.
    Star good adverbs throughout.

    Wish: Check for coherence and put some more punctuation throughout as some sentences are too long.

    But a good peace of work well done Holly.

    By
    Isobel

  2. Isobel winfarrah says:

    Star: we’ll done for using bold writing then a elipese after that for impact.
    Star good adverbs throughout.

    Wish: Check for coherence and put some more punctuation throughout as some sentences are too long.

    By
    Isobel

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